Detention, Hogwarts Style
by Anastazia du Beaumont
Summary: Who's canoodling in the Prefects bathroom? Who gave Professor Trelawney a Weasley's Tits Toffee? And why is Madam Pompfrey looking so suspicious? Another seedy day at Hogwarts, full of horrible twists and turns.


Cedric Diggory splashed the frothy water at me and grinned seductively. I splashed him back and soon we were laughing and playing together hysterically in the huge pool in the Prefect's bathroom, the stained glass mermaid watching over us with lascivious eyes from above and masturbating. We had spent a lazy Sunday afternoon lolling in the bath, canoodling and kissing and revelling in our juvenile and immature brand of love. Oh Cedric, he was so amazing, so charming. I adored him _too_ much.

Suddenly, Dumbledore's raspy voice came over loudspeaker, interrupting our affectionate session as he called all Prefects to the Great Hall to debate about the punishment for Fred and George Weasley. The two troublesome twins had given Professor Trelawney a Tits Toffee, a lewd creation of their own, which caused her breasts to expand and swell _so_ much that they'd filled the entire Divination room and smothered Parvarti Patil to death! It had been the talk of Hogwarts for days, especially after Colin Creevy had posted the tale, including photographs, on .

"Do you have to go?" I begged him, simpering.

"Yes, my darling. Unfortunately, it's my duty," he replied sadly, extracting himself from the water and drying himself off quickly.

I stared at his glistening, masculine body, unabashedly displaying my admiration. Much to my chagrin, so did the love-starved mermaid above, who made little secret of her desire.

"I'll leave some fresh towels and the key here for you, though, so you can get out. And I'll see you later." He gave me a subtle wink and left.

I lazed around a bit longer, floating languidly before the water began to turn uncomfortably lukewarm, and then finally hopped out. With horror, I realised that my clothes were missing!

"BARG-HARG HAAAARG! I'll never give them back!" cried Peeves, with Myrtle giggling behind him. He was waving my clothes around above his head and teasing me. "_Nakey-Nakey-Noo_," he began in a sing-song voice, "_the whole school is going to see youuuu_!"

"Peeves, don't be a dick! This is beyond cruel," I snarled, but I only acted to enrage him, and with a cackle, the two ghosts disappeared down the toilet, taking my clothes with them. After they didn't return and my skin began to break out in goose-bumps and pale, I realised my only option was to sprint back to my dorm wrapped only in the towel. But the horror if I was to be caught!

It was getting fairly late, so I hoped there wouldn't be many people around the corridors, and the Common Room wasn't too far. Hopefully, the Fat Lady wouldn't want me to stand around and listen to her sing for too long.

As I ran, desperately clutching the towels against me, I was feeling pretty lucky. Maybe there had been some Felix Felicis in that bath, because I hadn't encountered anyone so far, which was a minor feat.

But suddenly, just as I was running past the Room of Requirement, Madam Pomfrey literally burst out of nowhere and stopped me dead in my tracks. My watery feet slipped slightly, and she gripped me tightly by the arm with a stern look in her eyes.

"Madam Pomfrey," I gasped. "What is it?"

"I knew you'd be here," she said.

"You did?" I questioned with a quizzical brow. "_How_?"  
She gave a sly, triumphant glance at the Marauder's Map sticking out of her pocket and chuckled. "I know _all_, my dear."

"Well," I began, anxious to leave, "as you can see, I'm kind of in a hurry to get to my dorm. I'm freezing as well as half naked."  
Her eyes flitted over my body and she licked her dry, cracked lips in…desire?

Suddenly, I was afraid. That knowing look on her face was enough to scare anyone!

"Please, Madam Pomfrey, I need to go!"

"Ho, HO! You're not going ANYWHERE!"  
I shrieked like the Shrieking Shack as she suddenly dragged me into the Room of Requirement, which was set out like a torture chamber! Obviously what she required, which terrified me more than anything.

"I've had a huge, festering, _lesbian_ crush on you since the day you were admitted to my care for falling down the stairs, my dear! Remember that?" she cried as she shackled me to a stone wall. "Now, I'll be living out all my deepest fantasies!"

I watched in horror as she whipped out a flask of Skele-Grow and drank two capfuls. Miraculously, it caused her to grow a MASSIVE penis!

"Allegro Lubro," she muttered, a lubrication charm whose produce she smothered over her faux penis, which she proceeded to use to rape me in all different positions!

"Accio whip! Accio handcuffs!" She cackled maniacally as she screamed all kinds of horrific spells. I'd have preferred the Cruciatus cruse to _this_ torture!

Madam Pomfrey then flicked a switch which revealed an enormous T.V screen, where I could see Albus and Percy and Penelope Clearwater and….CEDRIC?

"Cedric!" I wailed. "Cedric, help me!"

"HAHAHA! _HELP_ YOU? My dear, they're watching in pleasure!"

It dawned on me slowly that she was right. They were watching me, somehow, but not in horror, not in disgust. They were watching and getting off on it, in the same manner that the mermaid in the bathroom had done just a few hours ago!

"How can this _be_?" I wept, as Madam Pomfrey bandaged my arms behind me and secured it with bandaids, enabling her to rape me more.

"Fred and George told us the truth, you little witch bitch!" she cried. "With the help of some Veratiserum, they confessed that _they_ didn't give Professor Trelawney the Tits Toffees like you'd want us to believe! YOU did! And the entire Student Body, including your _precious_ Cedric, has determined that _this_ will be your punishment!"  
She slammed her magical penis into me once more…

"What? NO! That's not true, I swear it!"

And it wasn't! How could they think it was true!?

Then, I noticed Madam Pomfrey's wand slip out of her robes and onto the ground beside me. Luckily, she hadn't recognized this, and in my blind rage, without any rational thought, I quickly scrambled for it and cried, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"  
Pomfrey's face was frozen in a kind of hybrid of intense pleasure and sudden shock for a moment, swaying over me like some huge, ugly gargoyle, before slumping, dead, on top of me. Everything was silent for a moment, except for my sobs which echoed off the stone walls of the Room of Requirement, giving me an opportunity to comprehend what I'd done. I'd _killed_ the school nurse! _Killed_ her!

They'd send me to Azkaban for sure!

And then, quite out of nowhere, Dumbledore and the entire board of teachers and all the Prefects and Head Boys and Girls and 1st years' up to 6th years' burst into the room with a crazed, hungry look in their eyes!

"We saw you brutally murder Madam Pomfrey on the magical screen, young lady," Albus said angrily, his stare dangerous over his half-moon spectacles. "She never deserved it, did nothing to deserve it. And we've decided that _this_ will be your punishment!"  
Then everyone, every teacher and every single boy and girl tore off their flowing black robes to reveal their stark nakedness, and gulped down a pre-prepared shot of Skele-Grow in the same fashion that Madam Pomfrey had done. As they all edged towards me with gigantic, threatening erect penises and sadistic grins, I understood my fate…

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

The end.

…Or is it? ;)


End file.
